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QuotesA mind once stretched by a new idea never regains it original dimension. It is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen. Laughter and tears are meant to turn the wheels of the same machinery of sensibility; one is wind-power, and the other water-power; that is all. Old age is fifteen years older than I am. The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. -Ralph Waldo Emerson Needlework Quotations Art is not a handicraft, it is the transmission of feeling the artist has experienced. I know that my unity with all people cannot be destroyed by national boundaries and government orders. It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. The more we live by our intellect, the less we understand the meaning of life. The two most powerful warriors are patience and time. Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but stand there and take it. I don't believe I'll ever get credit for anything I do in foreign affairs, no matter how successful it is, because I didn't go to Harvard. I seldom think of politics more than 18 hours a day. If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: "President Can't Swim." If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the
thinking. On equality: As long as I have any choice in the matter, I will live only in a country
where civil liberty, tolerance and equality of all citizens before the law are
the rule. We've got a generation now who were born with semi equality. They don't know
how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our
attaché cases and our three-piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger
generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there.
They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse
before they join in fighting the battle. Whether women are better than men I cannot say - but I can say they are
certainly no worse. If women want any rights they had better take them, and say nothing about it. We are not asking for superiority for we have always had that; all we ask is
equality. August 25, 2002 Now is the time for all good men to come to. Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our whole lives, win, lose, or draw. We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. We have met the enemy, and he is us. If you spend too much time warming up, you'll miss the race. If you don't
warm up at all, you may not finish the race. An artist painting a picture should have at his side a man with a club to hit
him over the head when the picture is finished. Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the yard and shot it. There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be
the beginning. I love being married. I was single for a long time and I just got so sick of
finishing my own sentences. To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful.
This is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking. Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear
the music. If you hear a different drummer - dreamer, take a chance. The road you choose
to travel means the difference in the dance. We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.
And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one
laugh. If you can't get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. A man never stands as tall as when he kneels to help a child. The better we feel about ourselves, the fewer times we have to knock somebody
else down to feel tall. The tallest trees are most in the power of the winds, and ambitious men of
the blasts of fortune. If I were given a change of life, I'd like to see how it would be to live as
a mere six-footer. In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single
file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn
slower? August 19, 2002 The humorous American poet Frederick Ogden Nash was born a century ago today at Rye, New York. After family finances prevented him from finishing even a year at Harvard, he struggled as a school teacher (a class of 14-year-olds caused too much stress), bond broker (he only sold one bond in 18 months, and that to his godmother), advertising copywriter, children's book author (The Cricket of Carador sold only 900 copies), but finally thrived as an editor at Doubleday. His boss encouraged him to send some of the silly poetry he wrote to relieve office boredom to the New Yorker, who published his first piece in 1930. He never was able to sell his more serious poetry, which forced him to write over 1500 pieces that amused us. The US Postal Service is scheduled to release a stamp in his honor today. This will be the first commemorative issued at the new 37-cent rate, but shown here from the artwork before the rate increase. The Germ To keep your marriage brimming, Song of the Open Road The Parent Samson Agonistes
August 18, 2002 On this day in 1883 Pope Leo XIII opened the Vatican archives to scholars outside the Roman Catholic church for the first time, revealing unique documents, artifacts, and great works of art that had been hidden from view for centuries. In his announcement he said, "The first law of history is not to dare to utter falsehood; the second is not to fear to speak the truth." When the Japanese mend broken objects they aggrandize the damage by filling
the cracks with gold, because they believe that when something's suffered damage
and has a history it becomes more beautiful. You don't change the course of history by turning the faces of portraits to
the wall. It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and
not in circumstances. A generation which ignores history has no past and no future. For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all parties to
leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success. I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it. If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities. It's more than magnificent - it's mediocre. They stayed away in droves.
August 16, 2002 Mea culpa! I forgot an important event yesterday. In fact, I Today's Quotes: You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your art of war. If they want peace, nations should avoid the pin-pricks that precede cannonshots. Courage is like love; it must have hope for nourishment. A journalist is a grumbler, a censurer, a giver of advice, a regent of sovereigns, a tutor of nations. Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets. There are only two forces in the world, the sword and the spirit. In the long
run the sword will always be conquered by the spirit.
Noble life demands a noble architecture for noble uses of noble men. Lack of
culture means what it has always meant: ignoble civilization and therefore
imminent downfall. Architecture is the alphabet of giants; it is the largest set of symbols ever
made to meet the eyes of men. A tower stands up like a sort of simplified
statue, of much more than heroic size. I call architecture "petrified music." Really there is something in
this: The tone of mind produced by architecture approaches the effect of music. A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it,
bearing within him the image of a cathedral. We shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us.
The genuine artist is as much a dissatisfied person as the revolutionary, yet
how diametrically opposed are the products each distills from his
dissatisfaction. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution
inevitable. If you cry Forward! you must without fail make plain in what direction to go.
Don't you see that if, without doing so, you call out the word to both a monk
and a revolutionary, they will go in directions precisely opposite? Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new
bureaucracy. If I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your revolution. I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - that myth is more
potent than history. I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts - that
hope always triumphs over experience - that laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death. Hollywood grew to be the most flourishing factory of popular mythology since
the Greeks. Children are natural mythologists: they beg to be told tales, and love not
only to invent but to enact falsehoods. Essentially, mythologies are enormous poems that are renditions of insights,
giving some sense of the marvel, the miracle and wonder of life. Without an understanding of myth or religion, without an understanding of the
relationship between destruction and creation, death and rebirth, the individual
suffers the mysteries of life as meaningless mayhem alone. There are only two occasions when Americans respect privacy, especially in Presidents. Those are prayer and fishing. Being a politician is a poor profession. Being a public servant is a noble one. About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. When there is a lack of honor in government, the morals of the whole people are poisoned. Once upon a time my opponents honored me as possessing the fabulous
intellectual and economic power by which I created a worldwide depression all by
myself. Call intuition cosmic fishing. You feel a nibble, then you've got to hook the
fish. Life, according to Zen, ought to be lived as a bird flies through the air, or
as a fish swims in the water. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream. Autumn comes to the sea with a fresh blaze of phosphorescence, when every
wave crest is aflame. Here and there the whole surface may glow with sheets of
cold fire, while below schools of fish pour though the water like molten metal. Strangers are what friends are made of. I am treating you as my friend, asking you to share my present minuses in the
hope that I can ask you to share my future pluses. A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. A tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost;
he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love. Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is slow-ripening fruit. When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties. A man never stands as tall as when he kneels to help a child. It is not so much our friend's help that helps us as the confidence of their
help. Individual human beings are all tools, that the others use to help us all
survive. Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other. One kernel is felt in a hogshead; one drop of water helps to swell the ocean;
a spark of fire helps to give light to the world. None are too small, too
feeble, too poor to be of service. Think of this and act. Books won't stay banned. They won't burn. Ideas won't go to jail. In the long
run of history, the censor and the inquisitor have always lost. The only sure
weapon against bad ideas is better ideas. To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit reading of certain
books is to declare the inhabitants to be either fools or slaves. They can't censor the gleam in my eye. The printing press is either the greatest blessing or the greatest curse of
modern times, sometimes one forgets which it is. In order to enjoy the inestimable benefits that the liberty of the press
ensures, it is necessary to submit to the inevitable evils that it creates. I have called this principle, by which each slight variation, if useful, is
preserved, by the term of Natural Selection. Promise yourself to live your life as a revolution and not just a process of
evolution. It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most
intelligent; it is the one that is most adaptable to change. I'd give Charles Darwin videotapes of 'Geraldo,' 'Beavis and Butt-head' and
'The McLaughlin Group.' I would be interested in seeing if he still believes in
evolution. It is a commonplace observation that work expands so as to fill the time
available for its completion. If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good bureacracy, public
or private, will find it. Where life is colorful and varied, religion can be austere or unimportant. Where life is appallingly monotonous, religion must be emotional, dramatic and intense. Without the curry, boiled rice can be very dull. The man who is denied the opportunity of taking decisions of importance begins to regard as important the decisions he is allowed to take. The person who is devoted to paperwork has lost the initiative. He is dealing
with things that are brought to his notice, having ceased to notice anything for
himself. He has been essentially defeated in his job. America is a land of wonders, in which everything is in constant motion and every change seems an improvement. No natural boundary seems to be set to the efforts of man; and in his eyes what is not yet done is only what he has not attempted to do. America is great because she is good. If America ceases to be good, America will cease to be great. What good is it to me, after all, if there is an authority always busy to see to the tranquil enjoyment of my pleasures and going ahead to brush all dangers away from my path without giving me even the trouble to think about it, if that authority, which protects me from the smallest thorns on my journey, is also the absolute master of my liberty and of my life? The American Republic will endure, until politicians realize they can bribe the people with their own money. We succeed in enterprises which demand the positive qualities we possess, but
we excel in those which can also make use of our defects. I wouldn't mind seeing opera die. Ever since I was a boy, I regarded opera as
a ponderous anachronism, almost the equivalent of smoking. I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he had
read about the effects of smoking that he gave up reading. Your grandchildren will likely find it incredible - or even sinful - that you
burned up a gallon of gasoline to fetch a pack of cigarettes! The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes the
worst cigars. The only way to stop smoking is to just stop - no ifs, ands, or butts. What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering. The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth. The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who
have not got it. July 25, 2002 America's longshoreman-philosopher was born at The Bronx, New York one hundred years ago today. At age seven he was mysteriously blinded, at age fifteen his sight returned just as mysteriously. After those years of darkness he threw himself into reading everything he could get his hands on while working the docks in California, he started writing only in his fourth decade. These few quotes were chosen from dozens of astute observations.
It is the around-the-corner brand of hope that prompts people to action, while the distant hope acts as an opiate. We do not really feel grateful toward those who make our dreams come true; they ruin our dreams. We usually see only the things we are looking for - so much so that we sometimes see them where they are not. In a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists. Man is the only creature that strives to surpass himself, and yearns for the impossible. Whenever you trace the origin of a skill or practices which played a crucial
role in the ascent of man, we usually reach the realm of play. July 24, 2002 Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger was born at Graz, Austria on this day in 1947. I saw that and instantly had my theme for the day: Strength. Woo hoo, another Leo!! J A child's hand in yours - what tenderness and power it arouses. You are
instantly the very touchstone of wisdom and strength. The key to any game is to use your strengths and hide your weaknesses. On the edge of destiny, you must test your strength. Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but
manifestations of strength and resolution. My strength is as the strength of ten, Because my heart is pure. July 22, 2002 Rose Elizabeth Fitzgerald was born at Boston, Massachusetts on this day in 1890. After marrying Joseph Kennedy, she brought nine children into the world, instilled in them the importance of public service, and outlived four of them. Joseph, Jr died when the bomber he flew exploded over the English Channel in 1944, Kathleen died in a plane crash in France in 1948, and sons John and Robert were both assassinated. Here is a bit of her wisdom. Make sure you never, never argue at night. You just lose a good night's sleep, and you can't settle anything until morning anyway. I've had an exciting life. I married for love and got a little money along with it. I looked on child rearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging as any honorable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it. Sedentary people are apt to have sluggish minds. A sluggish mind is apt to be reflected in flabbiness of body and in a dullness of expression that invites no interest and gets none. Life is not a matter of milestones, but of moments.
When it comes to humor, there's no substitute for reality and politicians. --
Jeff MacNelly You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation
as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases
which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence. If we value independence, if we are disturbed by the growing conformity of
knowledge, of values, of attitudes, which our present system induces, then we
may wish to set up conditions of learning which make for uniqueness, for
self-direction, and for self-initiated learning. Independence is my happiness, and I view things as they are, without regard
to place or person; my country is the world, and my religion is to do good. There will never be a really free and enlightened state until the state comes
to recognize the individual as a higher and independent power, from which all
its power and authority was derived, and treats him accordingly. We hold these truths to be sacred and undeniable; that all men are created
equal and independent, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent
and inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, liberty, and the
pursuit of happiness. On laughter: Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but
among those whom I love, I can: All of them make me laugh. He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh. Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself
prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much. The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man who will not
laugh is a fool. Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the
best ending for one.
Advice (n): The suggestions you give someone else which you hope will work for your benefit. Beauty (n): The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. Belladonna (n): In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. Conservative (n): A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. Conversation (n): A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. Harbour (n): A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed to the fury of the Customs. Man (n): An animal [whose] ... chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. Quoting (n): the act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
On advertising: Kodak sells film, but they don't advertise film. They advertise memories. Advertising is the place where the selfish interests of the manufacturer
coincide with the interests of society. Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. Advertising is the greatest art form of the twentieth century. Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of
selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after. It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security. What a commentary on civilization, when being alone is being suspect; when one has to apologize for it, make excuses, hide the fact that one practices it - like a secret vice. Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach - waiting for a gift from the sea. America, which has the most glorious present still existing in the world
today, hardly stops to enjoy it, in her insatiable appetite for the future. Summer solstice The days come and go but they say nothing, and if we do not use the gifts
they bring, they carry them as silently away. There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in
the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness,
and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others. A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the
birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. Quit while you're ahead. All the best gamblers do. The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I
assume it must be evil. Life is a gamble at terrible odds; if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. If you must play, decide on three things at the start: the rules of the game,
the stakes, and the quitting time. The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless, a
passion for gambling is common, though a passion for keeping roulette tables is
unknown. June 19, 2002 It was on this day in 1917 that England's King George V, anticipating war with Germany, declared that all of his family should change their names, eschewing German ranks and surnames. The House of Hanover became the House of Windsor. Here are some quotes on Names. In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends upon
the name it bears. Things are not only what they are. They are, in very
important respects, what they seem to be. He said true things, but called them by wrong names. No greater nor more affectionate honor can be conferred on an American than
to have a public school named after him. A good name is better than riches. I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS. Makes You think..... It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was. One father is more than a hundred school-masters. Society moves by some degree of parricide, by which the children, on the
whole, kill, if not their fathers, at least the beliefs of their fathers, and
arrive at new beliefs. This is what progress is. What a father says to his children is not heard by the world, but it will be
heard by posterity. My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real
friends, then you've had a great life. On exercise: Do not worry; eat three square meals a day; say your prayers; be courteous to
your creditors; keep your digestion good; exercise; go slow and easy. Maybe
there are other things your special case requires to make you happy; but, my
friend, these I reckon will give you a good life. A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise. To me good health is more than just exercise and diet. It's really a point of
view and a mental attitude you have about yourself. Training gives us an outlet for suppressed energies created by stress and
thus tone the spirit just as exercise conditions the body. Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the
table edge and pushing back. The flag, since today is flag day, June 14. If anyone attempts to haul down the American flag shoot him on the spot. Our flag is our national ensign, pure and simple, behold it! Listen to it!
Every star has a tongue, every stripe is articulate. We do not consecrate the flag by punishing its desecration, for in doing so
we dilute the freedom that this cherished emblem represents. Patriotic societies seem to think that the way to educate school children in
a democracy is to stage bigger and better flag-saluting. It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. June 13, 2002 The Irish poet and dramatist William Butler Yeats was born at Dublin, Ireland on this day in 1865. He published his first poem by age 20, was fascinated by the occult, researched Irish folktales and other elements of Celtic myth and fable, and won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1923. Here are a few choice selections. Out of the quarrel with others we make rhetoric; out of the quarrel with ourselves we make poetry. Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth, We are happy when we are growing. It is so many years before one can believe enough in what one feels even to know what the feeling is. O what fine thought we had because we thought that the worst rogues and rascals had died out. Think where man's glory most begins and ends, And say my glory was I had such
friends. People can be divided into two classes: those who go ahead and do something,
and those who sit still and inquire, 'Why wasn't it done the other way?' There are two kinds of people in the world - those who walk into a room and
say, 'There you are!' - and those who say, 'Here I am!' There are two kinds of people in the world; those who say to God, 'Thy will
be done,' and those to whom God says, 'Go ahead, then, have it your way.' There are two kinds of people in the world: the Givers and the Takers. The
difference between the two is that the Takers eat well, and the Givers sleep
well at night. The two kinds of people on earth I mean, If you don't go fishing because you thought it might rain you will never go
fishing. This applies to more than fishing. If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a
shortage of fishing poles. If you give a man a fish, he will have a single meal. If you teach him how to
fish, he will eat all his life. Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where
you least expect it, there will be a fish. Some men fish their entire lives without realizing it's not fish they're
after. Neither a wise man nor a brave man lies down on the tracks of history to wait
for the train of the future to run over him. The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man's taking a seat beside
you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled. Trains are wonderful.... To travel by train is to see nature and human
beings, towns and churches and rivers, in fact, to see life. When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the
ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. Most people have that fantasy of catching the train that whistles in the
night. I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have,
beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than
oneself. She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for
wit. That's the point of quotations, you know: one can use another's words to be
insulting. I always have a quotation for everything - it saves original thinking. A fine quotation is a diamond in the hand of a man of wit and a pebble in the
hand of a fool. I improve on misquotation. Opinions cannot survive if one has no chance to fight for them. I have always been an admirer. I regard the gift of admiration as
indispensable if one is to amount to something; I don't know where I would be
without it. It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death. We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their
defects as well as of their qualities. Disease makes men more physical; it leaves them with nothing but body. Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do
the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone. Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more
about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much. Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations - six if one
went to Harvard. The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
weather forecasters. In the long run we are all dead. In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but
planning is indispensable. Fantasies are more than substitutes for unpleasant reality; they are also
dress rehearsals, plans. All acts performed in the world begin in the
imagination. Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is
production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be
forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as
perspiration. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. Man plans and God laughs. On boredom: The chief product of an automated society is a widespread and deepening sense
of boredom. One wonders what would happen in a society in which there were no rules to
break. Doubtless everyone would quickly die of boredom. That which is static and repetitive is boring. That which is dynamic and
random is confusing. In between lies art. The penalty of success is to be bored by people who used to snub you. The factory of the future will have two employees: a man and a dog. The man's
job will be to feed the dog. The dog's job will be to prevent the man from
touching any of the automated equipment.
It is natural to man to indulge in the illusion of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against the painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren, till she transforms us into beasts. The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government - lest it come to dominate our lives and interests. You are not to inquire how your trade may be increased, nor how you are to become a great and powerful people, but how your liberties can be secured; for liberty ought to be the direct end of your government. Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who
approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright
force. Whenever you give up that force, you are ruined. The great object is that
every man be armed and everyone who is able may have a gun. Defeat, like victory, is only a passing phenomenon in a political career. The
battle for one's ideals and beliefs must go on, and I mean to pursue mine. The greatest gift of life is friendship, and I have received it. Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. To err is human. To blame someone else is politics. May 26, 2002 Marion Michael Morrison was born at Winterset, Iowa on this day in 1907. Small and shy, the bullies teased him about his name. His Airedale followed him to school, but as dogs weren't allowed at school he left "Duke" at a local fire station. The firefighters had trouble remembering Marion's name, so the dog became Little Duke and the boy was Big Duke. In school he worked moving sets for a movie studio, when he first appeared on film the studio game him yet a third name: John Wayne. I've always followed my father's advice: He told me, first, to always keep my word and, second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. If I insult you, you can be goddam sure I intend to. And, third, he told me not to go around looking for trouble. Perversion and corruption masquerade as ambiguity. I don't like ambiguity. I don't trust ambiguity. Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much. Courage is being scared to death - and saddling up anyway. Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very
clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes
we've learned something from yesterday.
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed. -- Albert Einstein Fame is proof that people are gullible. - Ralph Waldo Emerson Fame is vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion. - Mark Twain It doesn't make you feel very well, too much attention. It's actually like having too much to eat. - Emma Thompson Fame and tranquility can never be bedfellows. - Montaigne Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." - Ralph Waldo Emerson "A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains." - Robert Frost "It is the mark of an eductated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it!"-Aristotle "Thinking is what a great many people think they ae doing when they are simply rearranging their predjudices."-William James "Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life." Burton Hills I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To "You have powers you never dreamed of. You can do things you never
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just
do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. In the absence of certainty, instinct is all you can follow. (Jonathan Cainer) Humility comes from understanding that the obstacles in front of you are not going to go away. (Sarah Ferguson, LADIES' HOME JOURNAL) The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil. "That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest." I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them. - Joe
E. Louis "Houses, like people, have personalities, and like the personalities of people they are partly molded by all that has happened to them." - Louis Bromfield "If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it." - Andy Rooney "It's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men." - Mae West A friend is a present you give yourself ...(And I choose nothing but the best) ~ Unknown ~ A FRIEND IS A TREASURE A friend is someone we turn to When our spirits need a lift, A friend is someone we treasure For our friendship is a gift, A friend is someone who fills our lives With beauty, joy, and grace And makes the world we live in A better and happier place. ~ Unknown ~
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." Helen Keller "...happiness is the highest good, being a realization and perfect practice of virtue, which some can attain, while others have little or none of it..." Aristotle You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.--Dean Martin "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do
that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." "To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism,
to steal ideas from many is research." "To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles." -Anon. "Fall seven times, stand up eight." -Japanese Proverb "The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up." "We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its
efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know
anything and can't read." "To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit."-Stephen Hawking "When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt." - Henry J Kaiser "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." "Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of congress; but I
repeat myself." "In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school
boards." "We had the sky up there, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and
discuss whether they was made or just happened." "Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed." "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who
cannot read them." "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and
reflect." "We are chameleons, and our partialities and prejudices change place with an easy
and blessed facility, and we are soon wonted to the change and happy in it." Richard Wagner: "A composer whose music is better than it sounds." --Mark Twain "Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy." Cynthia Nelms "Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead." Scottish Proverb "Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing
your socks by their character makes no sense, and choosing your friends by their color is
unthinkable." "An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until
eventually he knows everything about nothing." "I am a student. Please do not fold, spindle, or mutilate me." computers: "The NeXT Computer: The hardware makes it a PC, the software makes it a
workstation, the unit sales makes it a mainframe." "The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out..." "What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator." "Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?" "Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" "BASIC - A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those
who have it will not admit it in polite company." "I speak BASIC to clients, 1-2-3 to management, and mumble to myself." "Optimization hinders evolution." "The best book on programming for the layman is Alice in Wonderland; but that's
because it's the best book on anything for layman." "WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue." "COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key." "Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though." "Pascal keeps your hand tied. C gives you enough rope to hang yourself." "A program is a spell cast over a computer, turning input into error
messages." "Real programmers are those that can sleep in front of terminals ... with their
eyes opened." "Real programmers don't work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at
9am it's because they were up all night." "Real programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide
whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN." "Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!" "The Internet is like a vault with a screen door on the back. I don't need
jackhammers and atom bomb to get in when I can walk through the door." "Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue..." "Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)" "General Failure's Fault. Not Yours." "Hit any user to continue." "Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying." "There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works." "Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad." "Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_|" "C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN \RUN\DOS\RUN" "Smash forehead on keyboard to continue." "Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can." "f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng." "If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing." "Intel has announced its next chip: the Repentium." "Old hackers never die. They just go to bitnet." "Old programmers never die. They just branch out to a new address." "Old programmers never die. They just can't C as well." "Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector." "Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand." "Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS..." More Quotes: Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." "Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find
laughable." "Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways." "Don't steal. The government hates competition." "Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it." "Philosophy is a study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently." "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs." "The truth shall make you free, but first it shall make you angry." "Reality can be beaten with enough imagination." "Life is wasted on the living." "Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye." "Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written." "All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors." "Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged
about forever." "Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe Halted." "Tourists are terrorists with cameras. Terrorists are tourists with guns." "No one is listening until you make a mistake." "Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view." "If you can remember the '60s, then you weren't there." "There is someone willing to argue about any point." "Fear less, hope more; "Live free or die." "Write the bad things that are done to you in sand, but write the good things that
happen to you on a piece of marble." "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." "One should not stand at the foot of a sick person's bed, because that place is
reserved for the guardian angel." "Some people weave burlap into the fabric of our lives, and some weave gold
thread. Both contribute to make the whole picture beautiful and unique." "Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times." "Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough but not baked in the same oven." "Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead." "Usenet is like Tetris for people who still know how to read." "Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead." "Power (n): The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA." "Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out a window." "Usenet isn't a right. It's a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to the
jaw." "A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune." "You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you
love her." "Crime, like disease, is not interesting; it is something to be done away with by
general consent, and that is all about it." "Great minds think alike." "There's a very fine line between a groove and a rut; a fine line between
eccentrics and people who are just plain nuts." "Hope is the denial of reality." "The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success." "If a train station is where the train stops, what's a workstation...?" "If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing at random,
they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet in about ... five minutes."
"Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be
hard to understand." "A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it." "We never know the worth of water 'til the well is dry." "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it's yours. If it doesn't, it
never really was in the first place." "Never assume, for it makes an ASS out of U and ME." "The Lord is my light, and my salvation; whom shall I fear?" "One thing you can't recycle is wasted time." "He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened." "The journey is the reward." "There are no shortcuts to any place worth going." "Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself." "When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my
energy." "The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be
done is interrupted by the person who is doing it." "A poet is someone who is astonished by everything." "Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up." "Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell." "Indecision is like a stepchild: if he does not wash his hands, he is called
dirty, if he does, he is wasting water." "The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your
money." "Many an opportunity is lost because a man is out looking for four-leaf
clovers." "With time and patience the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown." "The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to
begin it." "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt." "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." "The whole world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going." "The road to a friend's house is never long." "Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out
of." "Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may
have a heart of gold -- but so does a hard-boiled egg." "Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the
opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you." "To change and to change for the better are two different things." "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are
expected to give -- which is everything." "Let the sun shine in." "Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box." "Following the light of the sun, we left the Old World." "Years and sins are always more than owned." "If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of
sorrow." "No one is so generous as he who has nothing to give." "He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question
remains a fool forever." "Sour, sweet, bitter, pungent, all must be tasted." "The time to stop talking is when the other person nods his head affirmatively but
says nothing." Fred Astaire: Jimmy Carter: Eiffel Tower: Katharine Hepburn: Herbert Hoover: Richard Nixon: Harry S. Truman: "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism." "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." "Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes." "I had an IQ test. The results came back negative." "A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injuries." "Change is inevitable, except from vending machines." "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." "He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll grab his tri-corder." "Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved." "A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother." "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I." "Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh." "Keep things the way they are...vote for the sado-masochist party!" "Artificial intelligence will never be a match for natural stupidity." "Death and taxes are both certain...but death isn't annual." "Only the good die young. Note the average age in Congress." "If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war--lots of accidents, maybe." "Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?" "Hire a teenager while they still know it all." "The light at the end of the tunnel is at the wrong end." "When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane." "Enough research will tend to support your theory." "Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA." "Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat." "One good turn gets most of the blankets." "Life is anything that dies when you stomp it." "Winning isn't the most important thing. It's the ONLY thing." "God Bless America, but God help Canada to put up with them!" "The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train." "An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance." "Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you." "Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it." "So many cheques, so little money." "Get thee down. Be thou funky." "Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser." "Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain." "As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841." "On the other hand, you have different fingers." "If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!" "Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle. Not even for lunch." "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder." "Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot." "If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people." "Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail your friends." "A fool and his party are soon elected." "The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau]." "High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail." "A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it's real money." "You're never too old to learn something stupid." "All true wisdom is found on T-shirts." "It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way." "A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right." "In case of nuclear war, prayer in schools will be okay." "Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you." "Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either." "Murphy was an optimist." "Money is the root of all wealth." "It's useless to try to plan for the unexpected--by definition." "I'm not 40...I'm 18 with 22 years experience." "Old heroes never die; they reappear in sequels." "If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool." "No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong." "You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever." "A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer." "The trouble with political jokes is they get elected." "Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it." "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it." "There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't." "The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required on it." "Monday is the root of all evil." "Being superstitious brings bad luck." "When you're run down the best thing to take is the licence number." "Beware of sheep in sheep's clothing." "Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, according to Webster's." "Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers." "Skydiving...good 'till the last drop." "America, land of opportunity for Japanese businessmen." "Moderation is good, but boring." "Heisenburg probably rules."
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." "Power corrupts. Absolute power is sorta neat, though." "What the hell, go and put all your eggs in one basket." "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense." "To err is human, to forgive is against company policy." "When all else fails, follow instructions." "If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments." "Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it." "Worship the gods, listen to their advice, but don't lend them money." "Don't judge a book by its movie." "Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking." "Chicken little only has to be right once." "In case of doubt, make it sound convincing." "Practice makes perfeckt." "God pulled an all-nighter on the sixth day." "If an experiment works, something has gone wrong." "There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives." "If at first you don't succeed...forget skydiving." "Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off." "Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it." "A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy." "If at first you don't succeed, change the rules." "On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten." "Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)" "Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency." "Trust in God, but lock your car." "Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's." "If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate." "To err is human. And stupid." "Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry." "Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry." "Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist." "A friend in need is a pest indeed." "A king's castle is his home." "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA." "Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism." "Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce." "Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time." "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it." "Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it." "If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, feed them a crock!" "Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle." "Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him." "A conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good." "Of all thirty-six alternatives, ignoring it is best." "Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law." "Where subtlety fails us we must simply make do with cream pies." "Get the facts first, THEN panic!" "It's only fun if you can get in trouble for doing it." "The reward for a job well done is more work." "The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink." "Patience will come to he who waits for it." "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up." "Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether." "Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for." "Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid." "Be spontaneous--combust!" "It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value." An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest "If you can't speak softly, just use the stick." "Live long enough to be a problem to your kids." "Those who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass." "Life is a first draft...with NO rewrite." "Gravity always wins."
"Bad weather is God's way of saying, 'take the day off.'" "What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over." "When in doubt, give advice." "After all is said and done, usually more is said." "All that glitters has a high refractive index." "Three can keep a secret, if two are dead." "Fool-proof implies a finite number of fools." "Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first." "Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, until you lose." "Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery." "The bigger they are, the harder they hit." "The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know." "Nothing is so smiple that it can't be screwed up." "Anything that kills you makes you...well, dead." "Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them." "Two wrongs don't make a right--three lefts do." "A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame." "People who live in glass houses...shouldn't." "Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand." "Never hit a man when he's down. He may get back up again." "Behind every successful man stands a woman waiting for his job." "The Earth is like a grain of sand, only bigger." "If a problem has a single neck, it has a simple solution." "Never draw fire; it irritates the people around you." "Eagles fly; but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines." "A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken." "A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead." "Take 20 aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up." "The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line." "A man's house is his hassle." "Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana." "Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time." "Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep 'till noon." "Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses." "A little greed can get you lots of stuff." "After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat." "Atheists have no invisible means of support." "Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents." "Relax. Only dread one day at a time." "Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art." "Beware the fury of a patient woman." "The problem with reality is the lack of background music." "All men are created equal, but some men are more equal than others." "Don't count your checks before they're cashed." "Common sense isn't." "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance." "Be alert...the world needs more lerts." "Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune time." "Friends come and go but enemies accumulate." "For every problem there is a simple solution, and it's always wrong." "Start off every day with a smile and get it over with." "Virtue is it's own punishment." "There are two times I feel stress--day and night." "A fool and his money are some party!" "Avoid reality at all costs." I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan "A penny saved is ridiculous!" "A good pun is its own reword." "Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life." The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
"When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing." "Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of "Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice." "A steak a day keeps the cows dead." "All general statements are false." Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. "Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away." "Every silver lining has a cloud." "The real world is a special case." "Langsam's Law: Everything depends." "Most people deserve each other." "The trouble with getting a life is making the payments." "Never tell them what you wouldn't want to do." "Nostalgia is okay but not what it used to be." "All the world's a stage...most of us are just stagehands." "Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created." "There is more room in your head for thoughts than thoughts in your head for
room." "Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night
wondering if there really is a Dog?" "The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread." "He who hesitates is probably right." "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who
do." "All things being equal, you lose." "You are accustomed to ostracism from childhood because you are overweight,
deformed, stupid, or have an extremely short [deleted]." "Two wrongs are only the beginning." "One of their children, Cain, once asked, 'Am I my brother's son?'" "Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." Gerald Ford: "Jesus is coming, everyone look busy." "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory." "Horn broken, watch for finger." "My kid had sex with your honor student." "If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished." "Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply" "I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got." "Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an a**hole." "I'm just driving this way to piss you off." "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs." "Keep honking, I'm reloading." "Hang up and drive." "Lord save me from your followers." "Guns don't kill people, postal workers do." "Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit." "I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen." "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked." "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies." "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock." "If you can read this, you're too close to my car." "Safe sax and violins." "Guns don't kill people. I do." "My other car is a stealth bomber." (On the back of the car of a member of
the air force) "We warned you..." "Procrastination - I'll deal with it sooner or later." "Dyslexics of the world - untie!!!" "Be patriotic - question authority." "If woman's place is in the home, why am I always in my car?" "My kid beat up your Honors Student!" "Save the planet! (Kill yourself)" "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep" "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like
the passengers in his car." "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!" "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow." "Death to all fanatics!" Aeschylus: Time brings all things to pass. Lucius Annaeus Seneca: Time heals what reason cannot. Miguel de Cervantes: Time ripens all things. No man's born wise. Andrew Marvell: But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near. Jean de la Bruyere: Those who make the worst use of their time are the first to complain of its brevity.
American Proverbs **A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. ** A Clean House is a Sign of a Misspent Life ** A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out the Trash and Gives the Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House ** A Messy Kitchen is a Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen is Delirious ** Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. ** Countless Number of People Have Eaten in this Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives ** Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out ** Housework Done Properly Can Kill You ** If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap ** My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines ** No Husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes ** Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. "Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!" "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS." "Wink, I'll do the rest!" "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "When there's a will, I want to be in it!" "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?" "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!" "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!" "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!" "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear." "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse." "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." "He who laughs last thinks slowest" "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes." "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." "i souport publik edekasion" "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette." "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't." "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
particles." "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die." "Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off." "Stop reading this and watch where you're driving." "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar." "Hard work has a future. Laziness pays off now." "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it." "Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs." "Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity." "Confusion not only reigns, it pours" "Madness takes it's toll; please have exact change" "I use to have a handle on life; then it broke" "Adopt a teenager while he still knows everything." "Plot to kill officer had vicious side" "Some phone psychics provide useless, erroneous information" Fred Astaire: Jimmy Carter: Eiffel Tower: Katharine Hepburn: Herbert Hoover:
Richard Nixon:
Harry S. Truman: "The more money an American accumulates, the less interesting he becomes." Gore Vidal "The rich are different from you and me because they have more credit." John Leonard The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time." Willem deKooning "I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money." Pablo Picasso "The world at large does not judge us by who we are and what we know; it judges us by what we have." Joyce Brothers "My riches consist not in the extent of my possessions, but in the fewness of my wants." J. Brotherton "Good questions outrank easy answers." Paul A. Samuelson John F. Kennedy: Bumper Stickers: "Jesus is coming, everyone look busy." "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory." "Horn broken, watch for finger." "My kid had sex with your honor student." "If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished." "Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply" "I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got." "Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole." "I'm just driving this way to piss you off." "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs." "Keep honking, I'm reloading." "Hang up and drive." "Lord save me from your followers." "Guns don't kill people, postal workers do." "Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit." "I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen." "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked." "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies." "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock." -- Mother Teresa -- Mark Twain
--Yoda, Jedi Master (The Empire Strikes Back)
"Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. " - Plato (427-347 B.C.)
If you can't win, make the fellow ahead of you break the
record.
" Better the shoulder to the wheel than the back to the wall. " If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. —Anonymous
enough?? I said there were a lot of them. :)
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